The Parting Kiss....DADT, Past and Future

 [Originally posted on the OUTMilitary Blog Magazine]

Last week, with more excitement than I can put into words, I packed my overnight bag with clothes, notebooks, my laptop, and few 'necessaries' and prepared to attend my first training conference for the US Coast Guard Auxiliary in Newport, Rhode Island.  My soulmate and partner, Danny, was my 'second brain,' going through a checklist of items he was afraid I might forget in my excitement.  ("Camera?  Phone?  Meds?  Extra Socks? Laptop Cord? Phone Charger?")

And so, after 32 years of waiting to have even one of the smallest, tangental of  formal roles in the services, we said our brief, very temporary goodbyes as I headed off.

We hugged.  We kissed passionately.  We held each other so damned close, clinging to each other, him knowing what this meant to me, and me sorting through emotions: anticipation, fear, excitement, doubt, insecurity. determination.
 
And as we engaged in that last, long passionate kiss before I left, i was struck - suddenly and powerfully - by the poignancy of that moment.

"How many men," I said to Danny,  "How many hundreds or thousands of men have been here and said goodbye to their partners - most for periods of time longer than my short trip, and most to far-flung places and in the line of fire - and then had to carry this secret in their heart, never allowed to speak of their love, their passion, their longing, once they returned to duty?"

I burst into tears.

How heart-wrenching, how utterly gut-punching a thought that was.

We are on the edge of a new world, where we can now love openly and without most of the fears of the past.  I have it relatively easy.  To those of you service members who lived through the bittersweet days of loving another person and yet remaining silent - my heart, my gratitude, my thanks, my support, my love - goes out to all of  you.

*****

Fast Forward to the training session.

I ran into a young (30 years old) guy at an after-hours gay event in Providence, RI.   He wasn't part of the Coast Guard AUX training; rather, he was a Navy man.  A Navy man who entered the service during the days when he had to hide, and who was still dealing with reflexive responses to inquiries about his orientation.

Being at a gay event, he was nervous - very nervous.  We struck up a conversation, and he admitted how uncomfortable he was.  Apparently, his partner had simply 'dropped' him off at the event against his will in an effort to help him 'open up.'  This poor guy was torn - surrounded by guys just like him, and still terrified that someone might 'find out.'

As we talked, he told me how he had developed instinctive reactions and responses to squelch any suggestion or inference that he might be gay.  And he found that even though "it was OK now," he continued to move and operate in those reflexive patterns.
"And I hate it when I do that," he said.

"I want to be open, to be out, to be me.  And every time I have the chance to do it, I have this knee-jerk response to cover up and protect myself."

We talked long into the evening.   I was happy to see that he finally relaxed and enjoyed himself, and others, and the event itself.
But I was also struck by how hard some old habits die. And how pervasive some fears can be.  And how the need to support, help, and 'walk our brothers and sisters through the process" remains, despite legal changes in the wind. 

.

Military Dismissed Under DADT to have Severance Pay Restored!

OK, 18 days ago I said I was done posting to Tully's Page.  But this bit of news was too much for me to stay away.

Last week, I kissed and hugged and clung to my boyfriend/soulmate as I prepared to leave for Coast Guard Auxiliary training for the weekend. It was a poignant moment, as it occurred to me how many hundreds - maybe thousands - of military personnel went through similar goodbyes, for periods of time much longer than mine - and then had to keep their love and their longing hidden rather than risk dismissal.

So, when this news crossed my laptop...I just had to share.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By Shaun Knittel Online News Editor – Gay Military News

Under a legal settlement announced today, military personnel who lost half of their separation pay because they were discharged for under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) will be compensated with the remainder.

The total amount of pay owed to these service members is about $2.4 million, which “is small by military standards, but is hugely significant in acknowledging their service to their country,” said Joshua Block, staff attorney for the American Civil Liberties Union Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Project.”

The settlement comes in Collins v. United States, a class action suit brought by the ACLU and its New Mexico affiliate. It is named for lead plaintiff Richard Collins, who was honorably discharged from the Air Force after being observed kissing his boyfriend but saw his separation pay cut because his discharge was for homosexuality.

The original case was brought on behalf of 181 honorably discharged veterans whose separation pay was cut due to DADT, which officially ended in September, 2011. As many as 3,300 could benefit from today’s ruling.

The pay reduction was a Defense Department policy and not part of the DADT law, so it did not change when the law was repealed, ACLU officials noted.

The settlement covers personnel who were discharged on or after November 10, 2004, as far back as it could extend under the applicable statute of limitations.

At Annapolis Navy Academy, End of "Dont-Ask-Dont-Tell" Goes Smoothly

It's Memorial Day weekend, and that means it's "Fleet Week" in New York City. Thousands of sailors are docked at port along Manhattan's Hudson River piers...but for some sailors, this year will be different.

On Memorial Day 2011, I was in NYC for Fleet Week, and spent an evening at The Eagle, one of my favorite gay bars on New York's gritty, industrial west side. And yes, sailors - in uniform - ducked into the bar and found both celebrity - and anonymity - on the dark and crowded second floor and roof deck.

Last year, that may have cost them their jobs, their pensions, their livelihoods. Today, a new chapter must be written...

* * * * *

When his roommate at the Naval Academy said jokingly last year that Andrew Atwill was a homosexual, the midshipman told him to cut it out.

His friend didn't know it, Atwill says, but he really was gay — and under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, it could have jeopardized his military career.

This year, the first since the Clinton-era policy was repealed, Atwill says change has come to the academy. And talking about his sexual orientation, rather than being a career-ending offense, has rallied midshipmen to his defense.

"Pretty much everybody in my company knows now," Atwill said, and "they actually stand up for me." If his friends hear someone make a negative remark about homosexuality, he said, they "don't hesitate" to tell that person "it's not cool to do that anymore."

Eight months after the repeal, midshipmen both gay and straight describe a quiet but significant transformation at the Naval Academy. Gay midshipmen are seeking recognition for a student club. Last month, for the first time, faculty members and staff attended an off-campus dinner that had been organized secretly every year by and for gay midshipmen.

And Atwill and his boyfriend, classmate Nick Bonsall, planned to go together to the Ring Dance, a formal ball held each spring for third-year midshipmen.

"It's been really great, actually," Bonsall, 20, of Middletown, Del., said of life at the academy since repeal. "Everyone has been really accepting of us."

The experience at Annapolis this year mirrors those at the other service academies, but some future officers worry about what happens after they graduate. While their generation might be accepting, the broader military is made up of people of all ages and backgrounds. Some senior officers say privately that they won't come out for fear of jeopardizing their careers.

Across the military, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said recently, the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell'' — once highly controversial — is "going very well."

"It's not impacting on morale," he told reporters after receiving a report on the subject this month. "It's not impacting on unit cohesion. It's not impacting on readiness."

Gay cadets at the U.S. Military Academy and the Coast Guard Academy are forming clubs. Gay alumni at the Air Force Academy hosted their first football tailgate last fall, and gay alumni at the Air Force Academy and West Point held their annual dinners on campus for the first time.

But at the Naval Academy, while several gay midshipman describe a new level of comfort on campus, some wonder how they will be accepted after they leave Annapolis and join the fleet.

"For me, personally, it's still a concern," said Atwill, 23, of Bolton, Ky. "When I become an officer, I'm kind of worried about whether or not my sailors will take it the wrong way if I give them a pat on the back or, you know, happen to be in the bathroom at the same time as them.

"I'm afraid that if they know that I'm gay, that if I was even to look at them wrong, they may end up somehow turning that against me."

Not everyone foresees problems.

"In the fleet, it will be good," predicted Caitlyn Bryant, a second-year midshipman from Quantico, Va. Commanding sailors after the repeal, she said, "you don't have to worry about what they might think your orientation is. You can just focus on being a leader."

Bryant, 21, said she has seen no "negative backlash" against gay midshipmen: "People have accepted it."


[Source: McClatchyTribune]

House Roll-Call on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

Total Roll Call vote to repeal DADT: 250 Yes to 175 No, and 9 not voting.

Breakdown by Party:

Democrats: 235 Yes, 15 No, 5 Not Voting

Democrats Voting No: Boren, Bright, Childers, Critz, Davis (AL), Davis (TN), Marshall, McIntyre, Ortiz, Peterson, Rahall, Ross, Skelton, Tanner, and Taylor.

Democrats Not Voting: Baird, Berry, Cardoza, McCarthy (NY) and Woolsey.

All unnamed Democrats voted Yes.


Republicans: 15 Yes, 160 No, 4 Not Voting

Republicans Voting Yes: Biggert, Bono Mack, Campbell, Cao, Castle, Dent, Diaz-Balart, Djou, Dreier, Ehlers, Flake, Paul, Platts, Reichert, and Ros-Lehtinen.

Republicans Not Voting: Granger, Marchant, McMorris-Rodgers, Wamp

All unnamed Republicans voted No.

General Pace and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Well. This will not have to be a long post for me to make my point.

By now we have all read comments by the Marine Core's General Peter Pace in support of the Military's "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy . He stated,

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts," said the General, and "I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way."

Now, in response, many in 'Gay Leadership' (HRC, GLBT Task Force, the usual Pink Mafiosos) went ballistic, and, in an almost habitual self-defeating way, went after the *wrong* issue. They immediately jumped on *what* he said, in proclaiming homsexuality to be immoral, instead of faulting his illogical reasoning as to how it relates to the Policy.

Like it or not, a lot of Americans agree with him on the 'it's immoral' issue. It is not a crime to think differently, or have different opinions abut 'morality,' no atter how odious they might seem. If we focus on the issue of whether or not homosexuality is 'immoral,' we become bogged down in an unwinnable arguement. People will believe what they want about sexual morality.

No, friends, the greater point is this: the good General proclaimed that it is necessary to keep any 'immorality' out of the military: "I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way." And this was his arguement in favor of DADT.

Let's be frank, General: soldiers don't have affairs, right? They don't visit brothels. They don't sow their oats when given a pass off-base. They wait until they're 21 to get drunk. They never smoke pot, or send drugs home. Those sailors-in-port stories are just that - stories. The army never talks to its soldiers about STDs or provides condoms, and never treats syphilis. Nope, never happens.

General, would you favor dismissing every soldier who visited a whorehouse? Smoked pot? Got drunk? Had sex with someone not his or her spouse? After all, if immorality is bad for military personnel, why not get rid of all the sinners in the armed forces?

Get off it, General. The most glaring point here is that there is a double standard: we wink at the boys who are off getting their rocks off when they're so far from home...we excuse it - even expect it - from red-blooded American soldiers. But God forbid one of those soldiers might have different inclinations - THAT's immoral, and they must be kept out of the army.

On it's face, the policy is riduculous, and must fall.