King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands Takes back New York....

To: The Citizens of the Colonies of Nieuw Netherlands, most recently known as the States of New-York, New-Jersey, Vermont, and Delaware:

From: His Majesty Willem-Alexander, Monarch of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, Noordeinde Palace, Amsterdam.

Greetings to our family in the western hemisphere!

Your current troubles have caused your European parents great consternation, as we have watched you struggle among yourselves without resolution in sight.  In short, we have watched in horror as uncivilized rubes from those places called “Red States” have sought to impose the most regressive social and economic policies on the educated citizens of the northeast and western coastal zones; we have watched you wring your hands over issues of equality and victimless crimes, issues which have been long-settled in more civilized realms; and now we watch as your Congress appears unable to provide even a modicum of leadership, all while continuing to collect your taxes and pay themselves.

The final straw that now tips our hand, however, is the belligerent and aggressive acts of the State of Britain. We have learned that Queen Elizabeth II has issued a unilateral decree assuming control over the lands of the United States. As this includes lands that initially prospered under a Dutch flag, we can not permit the actions of a hostile Britain to further imperil our children.

Henceforth, The Kingdom of the Netherlands immediately reasserts its claims to the former colonies of Nieuw Netherlands, comprising the current day states of New York, New Jersey, Delaware, and Vermont.  In so doing, we hope to sever these right-thinking progressive lands from capture by either domestic Texan Rangers, or by Uptight British Lords.

Henceforth, the laws of the Netherlands now apply in these, our former-but-now-reunited Colonies:

1) The use of Marijuana is now Legal for personal use.

2) Prostitution is now legal and regulated.

3) Same-Sex Marriage is legal throughout the Kingdom.

4) The Dutch mandatory Minimum Wage of $10.93/hour now applies throughout the former Colonies. We should point out that even at this rate, our Unemployment rate is lower than the US.

5) You will now be enrolled the world’s #1 rated Universal Health Insurance System.

6) No Physician shall be prosecuted for assisting a patient desiring to end their life.

7) As long as Tenants pay rent, they may not be evicted for any reason.

8) All employees shall be covered by a collective labor agreement.

9) As a historic trading and seafaring nation, you will enjoy maximum flexibility in operating your small businesses without interference by the Kingdom

10) You will continue to enjoy your Freedoms to Speech (including using the language of your choice), Religion, Assembly, and the Press – all rights granted by this Kingdom to you in your original Colonial Charters.

In return for these freedoms and privileges, we require one thing only: as 2/3 of the Dutch Population are members of Sports Clubs and participate weekly in these healthy endeavors, we will require our reunited children to join in regular matches of Football (you call this ‘soccer’), Field Hockey, Rugby, and/or Volleyball, our top four national sports. 

We shall not await a response, fully expecting in your eager assent.  As such, we have dispatched a fleet to New York Harbor, to be henceforth known as Nieuw Amsterdam Haven.

Your King,

Willem-Alexander

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