5 New England Driving Habits That Drive Me Crazy....

I will admit from the start: I am a born-and-bred New Yorker, and that means a certain smugness flows through my veins when I observe the quaint habits of my New England neighbors.  But if there is one condition sure to bring out my exasperation with these folks is when I am forced to drive among them  For a guy who learned to navigate the avenues and side streets of Manhattan and Long Island in a tractor trailer, the inability of New Englanders to make a turn or understand traffic patterns is, well…infuriating.

And so, my top five beefs with clueless New England drivers:

 

1) New Englanders have no clue how to make a left turn at a light. This is my number #1 complaint.  It really needs to be taught in driving school up here.

More often than not, I am stuck behind some driver who, when seeking to make a left turn, sits way back behind the corner, behind the ‘white line,’ so as to watch the light turn from red, to green, and back to red again, without ever having moved an inch.  Such people bring traffic flow to a screeching halt – not just for those seeking to turn, but for anyone who would seek to proceed straight ahead by getting around them. 

When making a left turn at a light, motorists should NOT wait back behind the crosswalk; they should ENTER THE INTERSECTION and wait “under” an overhead light.  When oncoming traffic is clear, you make your turn.  Such an approach means that left-turning traffic will not wait interminably, making turns one car at a time.  It also increases the chance that those behind you who wish to pass and go straight will have the room to maneuver to do so.

OK, so maybe I’m given to road rage, but its all I can do to keep from jumping out of the car and knocking on these idiots’ windows to explain the process of making a left-hand turn.

2) Speed Limits take years of study to understand in New England. Having lived in exile up here for 23 years, I have finally broken the code. With a little time, you, too, can figure out the System:

 Connecticut: take the Posted Speed Limit, and add 25 mph to this.

Vermont: take the Posted Speed Limit, and subtract 15 mph from this.

Massachusetts: If on a two-lane highway, subtract 10 mph from the limit.  As soon as it opens up permitting you to pass the slow-poke in front of you, expect them to go at Speed Limit Plus 15 mph.  This ensures that no one ever gets out of line and Order is Maintained.

Rhode Island: My experience is that Rhode Island is so small that I can usually pass through it from one end to the other in less time than it takes me to pass a Masshole on a two-lane (see above).

New Hampshire: Posted Speed Limits represent an overreach of Big Government, and should be ignored. Do what makes sense.

Maine: Speed is posted in Knots and most travel is via nautical miles, so all bets are off on your standard speedometer.

3) Courtesy is Discourteous...and dangerous.

In a public show of smug self-righteousness, New Englanders prefer to show the world how civilized they are by slamming on their brakes at every available opportunity.

When it comes to pedestrians, New Englanders will stop for a pedestrian entering a crosswalk. Actually, they also stop when the pedestrian merely glances across the street or takes a step on the sidewalk within 20 feet of a potential crosswalk.  They will remain stopped until the pedestrian has crossed, stepped up on the curb, sauntered down the sidewalk, entered a storefront, and paid for their purchases…because it’s the ‘courteous’ thing to do.

A variation on this habit is the effort to overturn all traffic engineering plans by waving-in traffic exiting from side streets and parking lots to bring 4-lane highway traffic to a screeching stop.

No one explained to these Ultra-Courtesy Nuts that the timing of traffic signals is designed and tested by engineers in an effort to insure that the main (“primary arterial”) traffic actually flows smoothly, since this affects the majority of motorists.  Minor (“secondary”) side street traffic is *supposed* to wait to enter the main flow of traffic.   But New Englanders, who pride themselves on personal education and believe their ideas are as valid as the engineers, prefer to thwart planning.  They halt traffic on the main through-routes to wave in cars exiting from minor locations.  Such activity serves to effectively screw-up blocks, nay, miles of through-street traffic, and sets the stage for domino-effect rear-end accidents.  But hey, at least its courteous.

4)  Trajectories are an unknown concept.  In spite of the presence of Harvard, Yale, and MIT, all those pesky math problems that ask, “what happens when Car A is heading east at 30 mph and Car B is heading north at 55 mph…” have fallen on deaf ears.

In New York, one makes a snap judgment by observing the direction and speed with which other traffic is proceeding.  Vehicles traveling at cross-paths do NOT need to stop or even slow down when they judge that they can safely continue at their respective speeds; or, if continuing will result in a collision, then slight adjustments to speed are made so that one vehicle passes behind the other.

Not so in New England. 

A “Yield” sign in a Traffic Circle is re-imagined to mean, “Come to a Dead Stop if someone is approaching and is still a football field away.”  There seems to be a brain-fart when it comes to understanding that two vehicles (or a vehicle and a bicycle, or a vehicle and a pedestrian) actually CAN proceed at cross-paths, and simply adjust speeds to avoid collision.  No, in New England, one must come to a DEAD STOP (and then look at you as if you did something wrong).

5) Turn Signals – After the above, this is pretty minor, but common enough to warrant comment.

 Either use them like you’re supposed to, or don’t…but please, don’t adopt this strange New England habit of flipping on your turn signal only after you’ve started the turn. You're not giving us information we don't have just be watching you slide out of the lane.  For some reason, like some mindless religious ritual, drivers here do a quick flip-of-the-signal not because they are giving drivers around them warning – but simply to be able to say that they ‘did what they were supposed to do.’

Why bother at that point?

Hmmm.

Maybe this is why, more and more, I see myself riding trains and piloting a boat.

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Jason Collins, Professional Sports, and Regressive Writers

It’s no secret that I view sportswriters with a very cynical eye.  I have seen too many sportswriters frothing at the mouth to destroy some player due to sexual flings or dalliances with ‘performance-enhancing substances.’  I have often wondered how many of these writers suffered from “I-can’t-play, so-I’ll-criticize-players” syndrome.  And I have also wondered how much homophobia in sports is due not only to the tight-lipped locker room code of silence, but to the complicity of homophobic writers as well.

So, the coming out story of Jason Collins this week provided some interesting reads, as news services tripped over themselves trying to get the now-feel-good story.

But buried under the story of the gay athlete, imbedded in the writings of these very sportswriters, lie the seeds of conservatism that reveal their regressive stances.  Take these three bylines about Collins’ decision:

From ESPN: “Jason Collins said has gotten "incredible" support since coming out as the first openly gay player in one of the four major U.S. pro sports leagues…”

From The Sporting Scene, in New Yorker Magazine: “Jason Collins…has made history, becoming the first active male player in any of the big four of American sports leagues—baseball, hockey, basketball, and football—to come out as gay.”

And from the Reuters News Service:  “Collins, a 12-year player in the National Basketball Association (NBA), became the first active athlete from any of the four major U.S. men's professional sports leagues to come out publicly as gay.”

Now, in addition to learning that Jason Collins has come out as gay,  (and in addition to wondering if there is a little plagiarism going between the New Yorker and Reuters), what other ‘fact’ could you glean from those three  representative statements?

“one of the four major…”

“any of the big four…”

“any of the four major…”

Ah.  There must be Four (count them) major Professional Sports leagues in America.

And indeed, for decades, writers referred to “The Big Four” – Baseball, Basketball, Football and Hockey.

One has to wonder how long they will go along blithely repeating the same rubbish, in light of the fact that the United States is no longer a land of Four professional sports, but Five.

Some Attendance figures from the 2012 season to consider:

1. National Football League:      66,960
2. Major League Baseball:          30,352
3. Major League Soccer            17,872
4. National Basketball Assn:       17,319
5. National Hockey League:       17,126

My, what’s this?  Yes, in 2012, attendance at Professional, Major League Soccer games exceeded both Basketball and Hockey.

In 2007, Major League Soccer became the fifth professional team sport to turn a profit from media revenue.  It was also the first year that every single MLS match was televised - something neither Basketball nor Hockey can claim.

By 2010, three MLS teams had turned profits.  That may not sound very exciting, except when one compares that to testimony by Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, who reported to Congress in December 2001 that professional baseball on the whole had suffered 232 million in losses, and only nine of thirty MLB turned a profit.  Last year, eleven of thirty NBA teams lost money. 

Perhaps most telling, according to Forbes Magazine, during the year before the NHL lockout, only three of 18 Hockey teams turned a profit: the same proportion as Major League Soccer.

A recent study showed that among twenty-year old Americans, Professional Soccer is now the #2 sport in America.

So, Jason Collins is the first openly gay man in the “Big Four?”

Guys, perhaps the writing pool needs to lake a long, hard look at itself.  The United States, by all criteria, is now a nation of the “Big Five.”  But because someone, some decades ago, decided to call team sports the “Big Four,” the writers continue to parrot an anachronistic – and incorrect – statement of the state of sports in America.

Yes, reporters, you too are responsible for the regressive, conservative attitudes within sports and its fan base. Get with the 21^st Century…please? Start giving Soccer it's place among the other four sports leagues, and stop dismissing a major American sport as an ethnic oddity kid-sport to be brushed aside.

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Kinky Boots: Broadway's Primer on Business

At first glance, it would be hard to take a Musical Comedy named “Kinky Boots” seriously. The hip-high, well-heeled red boots that dominate the musical’s logo reinforce the idea that this show will be a little silly and a lot of fun.  And when one discovers that the play was written by the over-the-top Harvey Fierstein (whom I met when I saw the show last week) and the musical numbers written by Queens’ own Cyndi Lauper (of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” fame), well, it’s hard to believe that anything overly serious follows.

Think again.

Yes, the show is fantastic and fun and silly … probably the best musical comedy I have seen in a long time. Maybe ever.

But the play is based (loosely) on a true story of a failing business, and the show does not shy away from business themes.  Rather, it weaves them directly into the quirky story. In fact, the play is a lesson in business themes with musical comedy as its medium.

The play surrounds the demise of local manufacturing industry in Northampton, England. The Pride & Son Shoe Company, long a local manufacturer of quality men’s shoes, is seeing falling sales.   It’s employees have been there for years and act as an extended family. They take pride in their work, but they have been doing the same work for years.  Lesson One: Product Life Cycle.  Once upon a time, VCRs, transistor radios, and even desktop computers were in growth stages; today, they are in decline or even near obsolete, as new technologies and styles have replaced them.  And as Heidi Klum is famous for saying to her “Project Runway” contestants, “In fashion, one day you're in, and the next, you're out.”  The Pride & Son Shoe factory, holding on to their pride in their quality mens’ shoes, missed the boat, and in one of the earliest scenes in the show, they receive a huge return of unsold shoes from a retail chain who no longer wishes to carry their product.

As I walked New York City’s Chelsea neighborhood this past week, I couldn’t help feeling very mixed emotions.  I love Chelsea.  I know the wait staff in the diners, the desk clerks at the student hostel where I stay, the local business people. I expect to see bleary-eyed single guys roll out of bed, throw on sweats, and stumble along West 23^rd street with their canines to the Dog Park on the West Side Highway.  I have a coffee club card for Joe’s and have a favorite outdoor seat at The Half-King restaurant.  

But something terrible and irreversible is happening to Chelsea.

It’s been discovered.  And not by middle class, middle-aged  gay men like me.

By Developers.

Danny and I had an empty pit in our stomach when we saw that Rawhide, our all-time favorite NYC haunt, was closed for good.  Rumor has it that the rent was suddenly jacked up to an astounding $25,000 per month.  West 28^th Street, once a gritty, warehouse-lined street that is home to The Eagle and the Folsom Street East Fair (an equally gritty, outdoor leather fetish festival) is narrowed to one lane because of a behemoth of luxury condominiums going up on the north side of the street, towering over everybody and everything below – and spelling, I am sure, the doom of life as we know it on West 28^th.  

So, it was poignant – and very, very real - when, halfway through Kinky Boots, it is revealed that several in the story – including the deceased original owner and his son’s finacée – were plotting to close down the shoe factory and turn into...you guessed it…luxury condominiums.  Lesson Two: Gentrification and Allocation of Resources towards their Highest Return.

Fortunately, the founder’s son, Charlie, has an alternative.  Having teamed up with Simon, a Drag Queen who goes by the name of Lola when in performance regalia, Charlie is determined to change the focus of the business; he says to his employees,

“In the past, we made a range of shoes for men; in the future, we are going to make a range of shoes for a range of men.”

Banking on making fabulous boots and shoes, with flashy styling and long stiletto heels, Charlie and Simon set out to construct boots that will bear a man’s weight, designed, largely, for the Drag performer community. Lesson Three: Niche Marketing.  And what I appreciated about this portrayal (as a Business teacher), is that the script does not shy away from calling this “niche marketing,” but uses the term several times.

As the new line of boots comes off of the conveyor belt, Charlie decides to take his new line to Fashion Week in Milan – the height of the world’s fashion buying season.  As the employees work to create the line, Charlie gets more and more insistent on perfection and quality. Lesson Four: Quality Control. In essence, “good enough” is simply no longer “good enough.”  He becomes more hardened in his insistence on quality, on perfect seams and stitching, and presenting the highest quality possible.

Ironically, only 16 hours after leaving the show, my students and I were in the workrooms at Nanette Lepore in the garment district, a fashion designer who is insistent on using American labor whenever possible, and who has underwritten both Project Runway and a non-profit organization designed to bring the garment trades back to America. In the workroom, we heard numerous stories of outsourced work that had come in from other manufacturers that was not “good enough” – blue lace that was a slightly different shade than the blue dress it was ordered for, fabric that pulled and had to be completely remade, and other horror stories of a trade that insists on perfection.  The lesson of quality control was – and is – an ongoing and very real  business concern.

As Charlie insists on better quality, he gets nasty.  His earlier approach in the factory – a congenial partner with his employees who was often unsure of himself – morphs into a mean-spirited, demanding, even demeaning “boss” who insists on more from his employees than he has a right to.  Lesson Five: Theory X vs. Theory Y Management Styles.  In his fear, Charlie goes from being a ‘team player’ who encourages his employees to a brutal autocrat . . .and almost destroys his business in the process.

I won’t reveal the ending, lest I give everything away – but suffice it to say that this play had everything: great music, incredible performances, fun, silliness, comedy, serious moments, and lessons about accepting one another and change that will, no doubt, be the focus of most reviews.

But it needs to be said that as a lesson in basic business principles….Kinky Boots was a brilliant medium.

Jesus Was More Liberal Than You...

 After the ugliness of Good Friday -  the demands for punishment, for penalty, for paying for one’s crime, real or imagined - Easter has arrived.

And yet, scrolling through my Facebook pages, or the comments on news stories, I am struck by what a punitive, mean-spirited society we are. How similar we are, in fact, to the society that clamored for crucifixion.   It is not unusual to read comments – even from friends – that are shocking for the sheer delight they seem to get from others' misery.

One poster wrote about a teenager convicted as a juvenile of sexual assault against a friend while they were both drunk, 

“He should be getting life in prison…I hope he rots in jail…I cant wait for that to happen to him now, every day.”

Really?  Is that really what you want?

Another posts about immigrants, and insists that every “illegal” be deported immediately, including kids who grew up their whole lives in this country.  Another righteous person quotes Scripture to prove that gays “get what’s coming to them when they die from AIDs.”   And still another blames “Welfare Queens” for the nation’s financial woes, insisting on drug tests and sterilization and all sorts of punitive measures meant to hurt those who are already at the bottom of the social ladder.  

Meanwhile, in Kansas, the legislature has actually passed a bill permitting those with communicable diseases to be rounded up and quarantined, while Iowa continues to actively enforce a law that punishes HIV positive people who have sex with jail terms longer than those imposed for manslaughter (even when the HIV is disclosed, or under control and non-transmissible).

A few months ago, sports writers responded with pure glee that they had taken down Lance Armstrong.  The notion that we should all “pay” for our “crimes” absolutely saturates American society… It goes back to Puritans who thought it appropriate to shame people by placing them in stocks on the public town common, or to make them wear a Scarlet Letter to show the world they were evil.

Parents humiliate children in public, and this is called “teaching them a lesson.” But what is that lesson…that humans exist to hurt and control other humans, and receive satisfaction from it?

When Jesus stood in the synagogue, he loosely quoted the Prophet Isaiah:

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free,  to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18-19, NRSV)

He was not about jailing people, but releasing them.  Not about punishment, but forgiveness.  Not about judgment, but mercy. Not about crushing the unfortunate, but lifting them up.  Not about punitive measures, but bringing about wholeness. Not about finger-wagging at the poor, but about insisting on help for the poor, the widow, the alien, and the orphan.

The Resurrection is about the triumph of good, of truth, of mercy, of gentleness, of kindness, and of Love over a historic human tendency to divide, to hate, to ostracize, to marginalize, and to punish.

In an era when religion is frowned upon by the elite, but culture adored...I encourage you to go watch Les Misérables again.  Or better yet, read the book.  You'll find the same message embedded in Hugo's opus.

 

Jesus, my friends, was a Liberal.  An Extreme Liberal. 

A Bleeding-heart Liberal.