So Michael Phelps was caught by some moron with a camera taking a hit of pot at a party, and felt it necessary to broadcast it to the world. Kellogg's acted in predictable knee-jerk, Neo-Puritan fashion and dumped him from their ads (3 Cheers for Subway, who's keeping him). And As equally expected, Phelps issued the expected apology, complete with phrases like , "regrettable,” “youthful,” "inappropriate,” and “it will never happen again."
Here's what i would have liked to have heard him say:
"Dear Muckraking Hypocrites in the Media,
Go to Hell. Yes, I smoked some pot, just like a majority of the generatiion currently writing about me did. Yes, I inhaled a substance that Presidents and Corporate Executives and Policemen and Politicians of all stripes before me have. Yes, I used a substance that is demonstrably less dangerous to anyone than liquor, which is legal in all 50 states and a multimillion dollar industry for both the private sector and the government that feeds off of its taxes.
I did not apply for the position of "role model," and did not ask to be under your microscope. I worked my ass off, and did what no other athlete before me has done, and you loved it and made it 'your own' because I was on 'your team,' even though your only contributon was to sit on your fat asses and watch the television.
Of course, you delight on creating drama, in elevating heroes to God-like stature, and then pulling them down in the excitement of scandal. It's a time-honored American tradition to provide fodder for the intellectually-challenged who thrive on gossip to titillate them while they down grease-soaked fries and make excuses for their mediocrity.
Yes, I smoked pot. Go find some other item of equal importance to fill the pages of your news magazines...like aliens abducting Oprah's secret twin or something..."
Yeah, I'd like to see someone take a swat at a public and a media that insists on crucifying its heroes, that loves the bloodlust of pulling down the great. Maybe, someday, someone will tell us to go to hell - and it will be overdue and well-deserved.
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